I Had To Stop For Jesus Today

After working all week and a late friday hair appointment I was thinking about what to have for dinner--when for some reason, I realized I had been stopped at the same stoplight for what seemd like an inordinate length of time. I craned my neck to see around the car in front of me. I saw a procession--a local denomination had staged a parade in honor of "holy week" and in front of me marched their jesus carrying his cross, followed by a large group of roman soldiers and a crowd of mourners all marching toward their church building. I thought about Ned's smile when I told him I would have been home sooner but I "had to stop for jesus".
I'd had a busy day and as I thought about it, I realized that the "celebration procession" was the only time I had thought about Jesus since breakfast. I felt ashamed. I know that every day goes better when we start it with some prayer and some quiet time with God and I know that how we act toward others is a testimony of our faith but I felt incredibly sad that His name hadn't been on my lips or in my mind for the past 9 hours. It was an indictment on my soul! I wondered how many days have been like that? and if I could get the denomination to march their procession through my office several times a day.
I had an epiphany. I believe that Jesus is often relegated to the "formal" places in our lives and left out of the rest. By formal places I mean more than our Sunday and Wednesday night worship, I also mean our asking for blessings at meals, our bedtime prayers and our scheduled quiet times with Him---those hours or minutes that we have set aside in our lives--that we have allotted God! When I read the scripture, I learn that He really wants more than that---He wants it to be in my mind throughout the day not just at the beginning and ending as if He were spiritual bookends of my life. He wants to live in my heart, to be what motivates every action, what decides every decision and what defines me as a person, a wife, a mother, a sister, an employee. He wants me to think Him, love Him, LIVE Him~all day everyday. To do so will change my life---it is preparation for my life with Him in Heaven-- preparation for eternity~
Wow! I am so glad I had to stop for Jesus today!

Peace and prayers,
Neva

Retrospections, Resolutions and Reasons Why-

This is the time of year when many of us make statements of our hopes, dreams, promises and commitments for the coming year. As you can see by the date, I am late. I am however, still in the first month. sigh---

I don't typically make new year's resolutions but thought I might this year. Nothing special about this year---just seemed like a good idea. But before I decided what I might do differently this year, I had to think about what needed changed from last year. This was was tedious because there was so much---so many words I should or should not have said, so many deeds I should or should not have left undone, so many thoughts I wish I hadn't thought. The retrospection was so very good for me spiritually. It was a time of truthful, honest measuring. Not measuring my faith against the faith of others nor of measuring my faith by my deeds--but a time of putting my life, all of it, up against the standard by which my Creator calls me to live. The way HE wants me to be is not the way I am. I just don't measure up. He calls me to be merciful and I am cruel (but sometimes I call it humor). He calls me to forgive and I am bitter. He calls me to love and instead I judge. He calls me to be hopeful and yet I find myself the cynic. Why is it I cannot be what He calls me to be? Have I forgotten what price He paid for me? Am I lazy and just don't put forth the effort? Or am I proud and try to earn my salvation on my own?

Maybe I just don't know my own heart? I mean I think I want to do better, to be better, to live better but maybe my heart deceives itself. Maybe I don't want to change----I mean sometimes we don't we get into the habit of justification and stretching the truth and protecting ourselves, "marketing our image" so that we, even we, aren't sure? (now you know why the retrospection part of this took me so long--)

So this year--this is my whole year's resolution: I want to open my eyes and my heart--to see what HE would have me see so that I can be who HE would have me be.

Peace,

Neva

Shame

I have been thinking about this post for quite some time. I remember growing up and how heavy shame was. Everytime I did something I knew was wrong, it ate me alive inside, no matter how hard I tried to cover it up. A lie did not assuage my guilt. A manipulation did not make my palms any less sweaty. Flat out denial did not make it easier for me to stand for the invitation song on Sunday morning and NOT go forward. Shame was so heavy! It made looking in my parent's eyes almost impossible. It made breathing difficult and sleeping a chore. It became so stifling that I finally had to confess just so I could survive. Most of us can identify with this. But it seems to me that we have changed. Our society and its shame response is so different than it was even twenty years ago.
First of all, it takes a lot more to make us feel ashamed. Nothing is private, nothing is embarrassing, nothing is off limits. Is it because society has shaped our consciences? There was a time when there were public topics and private topics and everyone respected that, or at least most people did. We behaved in public decently and respectably and we never ever talked about certain subjects--we would have been too ashamed. There was a time when our clothing was important. We were ashamed if our clothing was dirty, ill fitting or showed our underwear.
There was a time when we cared about our reputations. We protected our family name and our image as well as that of our children. We didn't lie, we didn't cheat and we didn't steal. We paid our bills and our taxes. We worked hard and we didn't cohabitate outside of marriage. We would have been ashamed to live otherwise.
So I see us doing all the things that twenty years ago were considered shameful. We do them without a second thought and they have become commonplace. And so I wonder what does it take to shame us now? Maybe we have become so adept at taking grace for granted that we no longer feel shame. Perhaps we have convinced ourselves that our God is a God of love (and that He is) and that as a God of love, He only wants us to be happy and He understands how important it is to . . . . (fill in the blank) and that He will be merciful and gracious and we will not be punished. Once we convince ourselves of this, it becomes pretty easy to continue in our shameful behaviors. And since the church has become so "pc" we know that our brothers and sisters will not interfere in our lives.
Am I the only one who is disturbed about this? Am I seeing too much negative and not enough positive? There are times when I feel I can relate to the prophets of old----seeing a dangerous trend in God's chosen people. I am concerned for us----I worry about us when we begin to cover or stifle our shame until that feeling is gone. Shame is a good thing--unpleasant yes, but it is shame, a guilty conscience that is the catalyst to repentance. So one must wonder if we become a people who feel no shame will we become an unrepentant nation?
Ephesians tells us that we are children of light and should walk as children of light. We are told that there are secret shameful things that are done in darkness and that they are so shameful they should not even be spoken of in the light. We are the chosen ones--the ones picked by God to be different--to live by different standards------standards that are higher than those of the world. We are the ones who are shamed by sin and because of that shame, we try to stay as far away from it as possible. We are the ones whose lives are filled with gratitude for the grace and mercy of our Father. We no longer take grace for granted.
Once we have lost the ability to blush, we are no longer different from the world. We are living below our calling. Shame on us!

blessings
neva

LOST

So I was driving home from work the other day--in a hurry to get home, as usual--tired from the day, as usual, and pretty inpatient, also as usual. I am behind a blue minivan that is driving very slowly. The driver waits at the green light, looking both ways, looking again, and then has the passenger look both ways and look again--I yell, "the light is green, goofball"--(as if they can hear me). Finally the blue minivan signals right and heads down my street! Great--now I get to follow them even further. "I am never going to get home", I think in my best "drama queen" voice. I notice as they drive down my street, that they slow and speed up, slow and speed up, both the passenger and the driver looking and looking out the windows at the house numbers. "What are you? Lost?" I shout!

Almost immediately, I am saddened at my loss of patience for those so obviously lost! I began to wonder how that translates into my emotions toward those who are lost spiritually. If I get so upset with someone who can't find their way, simply because it makes me a few minutes later getting home---then just maybe I think my time is way too precious! Perhaps my values are skewed. I mean honestly folks, its not like I was late for an appointment to do emergency brain surgery on a woman pregnant with quadruplets who had been hit in the head by a taco bell sign blown down by the wind! I was in a hurry to get home, change clothes, feed my face and look at facebook! Pretty important stuff don't you think? I was ashamed and began thinking about my attitude and asking God to change it----until . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I noticed that the minivan had 15 county plates---ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Y'all--that's North Platte--that's where I live. They were not lost at all--they just acted like it--the nerve of some people. I felt my ire rising again and frustration oozing out of every pore. Then all of the sudden, the God of the universe, the One who saved me, loves me and whom I worship, reached down, slapped me upside the head and said,, "Indeed" (now in case I have to clarify, I didn't literally see His hand reach down from heaven and hear His voice, but I did feel a heavy feeling in my stomach and my heart sinking and my conscience began to hurt). I mean here I was getting all upset, being frustrated, judging someone else, and being indignant that everything just wasn't going my way. Oh what a sight I must have been--what a picture I must have painted. Why I bet I looked just like someone who was . . . .lost!

peace and prayers,

n

Tomorrow

My dear friends, thank you all for your prayers, notes and cards. I am doing better--each day God works in my life and I am very grateful. My cancer marker proved to be a false marker as a result of some bleeding in my abdomen. That has been taken care of and like a well behaved little marker, it returned to normal levels. Praise God, there is no sign of cancer!
I currently have a blood clot in my arm and one in my leg. While they are painful, they are pretty small and pretty superficial and along with the IVC filter in my vena cava, they are not too big a worry. The doctors are having a difficult time regulating my blood, it is always either too thin or too thick, so that remains an issue. However, I am sleeping at night--all night, and I am keeping food down a little over half the time. This is such an improvement! I take about 28 meds and doc is working on reducing some of those. (my wallet and my stomach would appreciate that--grin).
On the work front, I prayed that God would protect my job and my health insurance but He did even better! I start my NEW job on Monday! I am very excited! It is in the nicest nursing home in town and I will not be doing marketing or admissions---only social work! I will get to minister to people without worrying about whether they have money or not! I am thrilled and so grateful!
Tomorrow is my 49th birthday and I am so happy! I know it is not a big milestone like 21, 40 or even 50, but twice this year, I was told I probably would not make it to this birthday. When those medical professionals I trust and to whom I have entrusted my life, are concerned that I might not make it through the night, it makes me take time to think seriously about this life of mine. All the memories of a glorious life came to mind and today they are joined by other memories. I will not forget the look in my husband's eyes as he tried to remain strong for me, all the while preparing himself to be without me. I will not forget the tear in the eye of my family doctor while we talked about my close call with death. I will not forget the joy I felt when my son, my daughter in law and my grandkids drove all the way from Florida to see me. I will not forget the outpouring of love and concern from my friends, the church family, and co-workers. You called, you visited, you twittered and blogged but most of all, you prayed and I can never thank you enough--God heard your prayers.
I do not know what the future holds, like the past I am sure it will be filled with ups and downs. But for now, I am "bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord my God." I Sam. 25:29 and I am thankful for every day. And so tomorrow--Happy Birthday to me!

blessings,
neva

New Post--same request :(

I know it has been ages since I have posted! I feel guilty even posting now--it has been so long and once again, I come to you, my blogfriends, with a prayer request.
I have not posted because I have been very ill. In March I collapsed at home, was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where they found seven bloodclots in my heart and lungs. I was not expected to make it but with the prayers of my friends and the healing touch of the Master, I recovered. They thought the clots came from my spleen which was very enlarged--so they did all kinds of tests, including a bone marrow biopsy (not too much fun) and finally in April, they removed my spleen. It was not cancerous, but was so large, they had to cut two abdominal muscles, peel it from around my pancreas and re -inflate a lung it had collapsed. I immediately got pneumonia and had a tap that removed the fluid. I began to recuperate, again thanks to the prayers of my friends and the care of the Father. I was home four days, had a follow up appt and was immediately put back in the hospital. My blood was so thin, I had to have 6 units of fresh frozen plasma and 3 of whole blood. Once again, they were not sure I would make it but God knew differently, He'd heard your prayers.
Tuesday of this week, I went in for follow up appt. My labs were skewed, my BP was only 100/42 and my blood was too thin again. So back into the hospital I went for two days. I received more blood products and had an upper and lower gi scope. They found nothing except that my ovarian cancer marker (C125) is high. So next week I go to see yet another doctor.

I have been unable to keep anything on my stomach and have lost a total of 51 lbs since the end of February. I am tired of feeling bad and being unable to know what is wrong! I am tired of having to have someone else cover my ladies classes and my support groups, not to mention my job. And today my boss told me that my job is in jeopardy. She said it was a verbal warning and while "she understands" I can't help it, "the company needs someone who is there to do the job". -----------Y'all, MY job pays our health insurance. That is why I work, too! I am more anxious now about not being well!

So once again, my friends, like a street beggar, I am pleading with you for prayers. I want to be well and useful in the Kingdom again. I don't want my husband to be worried and concerned for my health all the time and I don't want him to have the added burden of no insurance. It is late and I am tired and perhaps later I will look back at this post and delete it for being the selfish worries of a faithless woman, but for tonight, for right now, I covet your prayers.

n

The Non-Proverbs 31 Woman

The wife with little character is easy to find. She values herself more than she values those around her.
She drives her husband away with her constant wanting of more and her dissatisfaction with the lifestyle he can provide.
She regales friends and family with his faults and he is easily replaced.
Her house is always a mess, dishes in the sink, dirty laundry on the floor, and beds unmade.
She picks up takeout or makes reservations for meals.
She hits the snooze bar until she must yell and fuss at her children, hurrying them to get ready for school, wearing wrinkled clothes that do not match and without breakfast.
She has a job but spends her money on pedicures and manicures, nights out with the girls and new clothes and diet coke.
She is a lazy worker, taking long lunches, playing on the computer and watching the clock.
She whines and complains about the things she lacks. She sees only her own plight, uncaring and unseeing the needs of others.
She destroys her husbands reputation, talking to anyone who will listen, even embellishing his misdeeds in order to make her point. She shows no discretion is airing her problems.
She uses any and every medium to share her "story" and her "struggles" playing on the sympathy of all she meets, elevating herself and diminishing others.
Her wisdom is worldly and distorted. She values not her relationships, readily discarding others when they are no longer of use to her.
She leaves the raising of her children to anyone who will watch them and fleaves them with a sitter or family members often.
Her children defend her now but they will not call her when they are grown. (They learned about relationships from her)
Her husband looks back and thinks of her as the "greatest mistake of his life".
Many women do ignoble things but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but true character cannot be hidden.
God is not fooled. She will have her reward and her works will be talked about at the city gate.


I got this the other day. It was supposedly written after watching that U-Tube video and hearing the report about the socialite Patricia-Walsh Smith. But I thought it was very telling, don't you?
Neva