Squandered Grace

I have a friend, I'll call her "Justine". Justine had been a christian for many years. She and her husband attended preaching school, did some mission work, taught all four of their children the Bible and were working with a local congregation. Justine succumbed to temptation and abandoned her family, leaving town and moving in with her "boyfriend", also a married man with children. She was disfellowshipped by the congregation and both she and her boyfriend, withdrew from their children as well as the rest of their families. They refused to come and visit and would not answer their phone when family called. They lived their new life, struggling to shroud their shame with a thick coat of infatuation and lust. They lived this way for several years, until Justine's mother died. Returning for the funeral caused her to begin to think. She saw the pain in the eyes of her family and knew the tears were not only for the loss of her mother. Her heart began to ache, her soul began to long once again, for relationship with God, and she began to feel her shame. She made the needed decisions, she broke up with her boyfriend, she asked her family, including her husband for forgiveness. She came back to the local congregation and went forward begging and pleading to be restored to the body, coveting their forgiveness. She was welcomed with open arms. Her husband and her children, relieved to know she was okay, forgave her and loved her. Her church family, relieved that she had at last come home, wrapped their arms around her, wept with her and offered her their love and help. They all prayed together, thanking God for her return, for His forgiveness and His mercy. She was enveloped in grace.
Justine left that place and returned home, now quiet and lonely. She felt wrung out and unworthy. She could not believe they had all loved her so much and she knew she didn' t deserve it, so Justine moved into a very small rundown trailer house. She now lives a life of self-denial, denying even the very pleasure of family and relationships. She still isolates herself from all those who love her so much. She attends the local church in her new town but never speaks to anyone. She has no friends at work, at church or in her neighborhood. Justine prays and she reads her Bible, but she has squandered the grace given her.
I looked up the word "squander" and discovered it means to "fail to take advantage of". That is exactly what Justine was doing-- continually failing to take advantage of the grace given her. She has been forgiven by everyone, but has not forgiven herself. Because she carries her shame and guilt around with her, she is unable to be effective in God's kingdom and her family still weeps.
I know that it is most difficult to forgive ourselves. We tend to be harder on us that others are. We know us and we know our hearts. And yet, I can't help but feel that when we don't allow the blood of Christ and its cleansing to change our lives, to renew and restore us, we are squandering the grace God bestows upon us. He does not cleanse us so we can still feel dirty. He cleanses us, sanctifies us for good works, to be useful and purposeful in His kingdom, to be a part of His mission and His purpose.
How I wish Justine would forgive herself. The knowledge and wisdom she has gained from her experience could be great teaching tools. Her children, her husband, her church family and her friends miss her. We long for the day when she again loves herself and recognizes her value as the bride of Christ, the child of the King, the redeemed. We long for the day when she accepts the forgiveness and no longer squanders the grace.

Neva
Eph. 2:8-10 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, it is a gift of God--not by works so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."