Disappointment--More Than a Mountain

In the San Gabriel Mountains near Los Angeles, California, one is surrounded by mountains with spectacular views. Their jagged peaks cut into the sunset sky, making for a beautiful and uniquely uneven skyline. The majestic summits call out their challenges to nature photographers and mountain climbers alike. Hikers have their pick of trails leading to the top, each with varying degrees of difficulty. A favorite of mountain enthusiasts and host to a yearly race is Mount Disappointment. Cradling Lake Palisade, Mount Disappointment was thought to be the highest peak in the range and the ideal spot for survey triangulation. In 1874 a group of surveyers climbed the mountain and discovered, to their disappoinment, their calculations had been off and San Gabriel Peak was 167 feet higher. Needing to reach the highest height, they moved their camp the half mile to what was indeed the highest in the range. They dubbed the peak, Mount Disappointment, a name which sticks even today.
Washington state boasts a Cape Disappointment at the mouth of the Columbia River. Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming lays claim to a Disappointment Peak and along the Lewis and Clark trail in the great state of Montana, we find Disappointment Camp. There is even a Disappointment Day--October 22 carries this dubious name since 1844 when a group of 50,000 Millerite Baptists stood and waited for Christ's return. Convinced by their leader William Miller, that this was indeed the day, they waited and waited and waited, finally leaving in disapointment, most of them falling away from their faith.
Disappointment, according to the dictionary means to "sadden, disillusion, dishearten or disenchant, to fail to satisfy the hope, desire or expectation of," Given all the feelings in the emotional spectrum, disappointment is the most difficult for me personally to deal with. Over the years, I have learned how to manage anger, grief, confusion, sadness, and most other emotions, but when disappointment comes knocking, I find it tends to manage me. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, knowing that satan can use disappointment to hobble us, just as he does rage and anger. So like I said, I have been thinking and praying about disappointment. I know we can be disappointed in ourselves, in our failings, in our ineffectiveness, in our inabilities. I also know we are often disappointed in others, who have made choices we don't approve of, who have chosen not to listen to our "sage advice", who have seemingly abandoned the values we thought we shared. We are often disappointed when our "friends" say hurtful things, do hurtful things, seemingly unaware of the pain it causes us.
It seems that most disappointment has it's roots in misguided thoughts. First we have unrealistic expectations. We have based our desires on emotion and feelings rather than facts and data. Sometimes, we build up the event in our minds to such a degree that reality cannot even come close--very similar to Clark Griswold's dream of family holidays vs. reality, in the Vacation movies. Our hopes and dreams are based simply in emotion, and there is no factual basis for such faith. Secondly, we are disappointed when we begin to believe we are in control, our way is the only way, and others have no free will. Those of you are parents know that this is a recipe for disappointment. If you are like me, it is a struggle to exercise self-control, much less control the actions, thoughts, behaviors of someone else. It seems to be a pride issue. We have a puffed up view of ourselves and the ways we handle situations and cannot seem to think that there is perhaps another way, maybe even a better way. We are so full of ourselves that our mind becomes narrow and our attitude haughty and arrogant and then we face disappointment.
There are times as a minister's family, that we become disappointed with the church. We feel we preach and teach and minister and example, comfort, guide and offer support, only to feel that we are making absolutely no progress. I am sure most in ministry have felt this way. We forget that the members of our churches and our communities have free will. We forget that we cannot see their hearts and only the Father knows whether the seed that has been planted has taken root. We begin to feel disappointed and we fight the urge to give up. If you are a parent, you know this same process happens often. We tend to forget that there are differences in temperment, coping skills, and levels of understanding. Perhaps we are making more headway than we know. Perhaps we need to look closer for snippets of progress. Perhaps growth should be measured by God and not by us at all.
Then there are times for most of us, for me at least, when I am disappointed in me. I expect better behaviors, I expect more self-control, I expect to not fall into the same trap before, knowing how long and hard it was to get out last time. I often do not live up to my expectations. Do I expect everyone to love me? No, not at all, but everyone likes to be loved. Do I expect everyone to take my advice? No, I know they have a mind of their own., but they did come to me. Do I expect everyone to be nice to each other? No, I know that we are all human and each of us brings our own baggage into relationships, but I am still rather shocked when folks are downright ugly to each other. My expections of me do not allow for my free will, do not allow for my humanness, do not allow for my mistakes. And thus, I am often disappointed in me. You know what I am talking about. I think the Apostle Paul was talking about this when he said he found himself doing what he did not want to do, and not doing what he wanted to.
While I realize it is a part of life, I don't really want to be disappointed anymore. I am trying to look outward and upward instead of inward. So daily, I remind myself that I am a work in progress. I ask God to guide me, shape me, mold me, open my eyes to real expectations, to godly expectations. I ask God to give me more compassion and more patience with others, with my children, my husband and my church community. When disappointment comes, I will ask God to help me see it, not as an emotional mountain but as an opportunity to yield to Him and to grow spiritually. And I remind myself that as surely as I have disappointed God in the past, He has not and will not ever disappoint me. He is the God who always comes through, giving only good gifts, only what is needed for my growth and well-being. He is patient and kind and He loves me. I am ever grateful for a Heavenly Father who never ever disappoints.

Peace
Neva