In Need of a Do-Over

Have you ever been visiting with your friends, discussing life in general, when some topic comes up and before you think, you say something wholly ungodly? It may have been something that paints another person in an unattractive light or some crass or coarse statement meant to be funny. Whatever it is, it quickly slips out of your mouth and into the ears and minds of the group. Everyone laughs or smiles or makes some relevant verbal response, and life goes on. Later at home, while you are cooking dinner or mowing the lawn, you replay the day in your mind. Your smile quickly fades as you realize the possible damage resulting from your lack of self-control. At that moment, all you want is a do-over. You would give almost anything to be able to go back to that group of friends, stand in their midst, listen to the conversation and say something uplifting and encouraging. You just need a do-over.
Confession time: this happened to me just this week. We were at work, sitting in the Activity Room, discussing the day ahead. As is often the case when a group gathers, conversation changes from work and residents, to others. In a feeble attempt to be funny, (usually unsuccessful), I made a disparaging remark about someone else. Everyone in the group laughed and for a brief moment, I was a star. I was the life of the party. For two seconds. I was "one of them" and it felt good. The group dispersed and we all went about our day. Later that evening, as I was telling my granddaughter why it was important to not say ugly things about people, my heart began to hurt, the guilt of my earlier verbal spew began to stab at my conscience. To be certain, my conscience has been pricked before, but this was more like an assault, a full out stabbing and slashing. I felt like crying. I was so ashamed. Why do I do that? Why is it that the attention of others matters to me? When did hurting someone else become acceptable behavior? And when did it become funny? Why is my tongue so hard to control? Why don't I just think before I speak? I pray that if I did think, I would not say the same thing. If I engaged my brain before I opened my mouth, I hope I would not think it was funny to say hurtful or coarse things. I didn't feel like a star anymore. I didn't feel like the life of the party and I didn't want to be one of them. I wanted to be right in front of the Lord. I wanted release from the assault on my conscience. I wanted a do-over.
I begged God to once again wash me with His blood, to take away my guilt. I pleaded with Him to help me become more like Jesus, to teach me to be kind, to be encouraging, and to have self-control. As His peace swept over me, conviction overcame me. I knew what I had to do. The next day, as I returned to work, I knew I had to face that same group. I thought I would have to seek them out one by one to apologize for my behavior. Oh, how I dreaded reliving that humiliating moment over and over again. But my merciful Father spared me that --all but one of my co-workers were gathered in the same place, discussing the "day's business". I took a deep breath and waited for a break in the conversation. I apologized for my actions the day before. I told the group it had bothered me all night and I really wanted a do-over. They all acted surprised and even a bit irritated that not only had I interrupted a perfectly good gossip session but now none of them felt comfortable continuing the conversation. Sensing their discomfort, I excused myself and went to work. I found the one other co-worker and made my confession, noticing her blank stare and her seeming feeling of urgency to get away. I felt better but I knew my do-over was not yet complete. I had to apologize to the victim of my witty barb, even though she wasn't there and possibly hadn't heard what I'd said, I knew I had to speak with her. Again God showered down mercy, she was gracious and kind and forgiving. She said she had been told but she knew I was just trying to be funny and didn't really meant it. I thanked her for her forgiveness and went to bathroom and cried.
This was one of the most humiliating and yet humbling experiences of my life. I learned my lesson this week. Will I forget and have to learn it again? Probably. But I praise God that He created us with a conscience, and that He is able to use that conscience to make us better people. I praise Him for His mercy and grace, for the blood of His Son who washes away our sins. And I praise Him for sometimes allowing us to have do-overs.

Peace
Neva

Psalms 130:7 " . . .put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption."