I'd Planned On Being Dead By Now !

I remember our first Christmas after Eddy died! We had decided we could not be in our house and so with my parents financial assistance, we flew to Seattle to spend the holidays with my brother and his family. I remember packing our suitcases and wondering how many holidays would hurt this much. We drove to Colorado Springs and stayed with my friend, Kelli. She took us to Denver where we caught the plane to Seattle, Washington. We settled into our seats, already crowded and a little bit anxious. As soon as we were at cruising altitude, both boys put on their headsets and listened to the music they'd brought for the trip. I sat in the middle, with my eyes closed willing the tears to postpone their appearance.
The flight was uneventful, a short layover in Salt Lake City, back in the air and a smooth landing. My dad met us at the airport and took us straight to my brother's house. It was the first time I'd seen their home and it was beautiful, decorated like a winter wonderland, gigantic tree, sparkling lights, brightly wrapped packages and the smell of pine everywhere, just like Christmas should be. My entire family tried very hard to make the holidays happy for the boys and I, complete with a visit from the big red Claus, himself. The boys went sledding, played video games and waited for Christmas morning. We adults planned the menu, went shopping, wrapped gifts and visited. My brother and his wife, their two children, both my parents and my maternal grandmother were there so there was quite a houseful. Christmas morning, gifts were opened, hugs and thank yous flowed freely and preparations for a day of eating and football began. I know it sounds like the perfect holiday and it was . . . almost.
The emotional discomfort and emptiness was almost tangible. Everyone was very careful to not bring up Eddy, his death or even his life. Where once we would have sat around and talked and laughed over all the "remember whens", we now sat in a torturous silence, none of us sure what we should talk about, what would be the least painful. It was the Christmas Day that never ended. I had no idea the holidays would bring with them so much pain.
I knew that there would be no quick end to the pain. Our plans were to land in Denver and then spend New Years with Eddy's family--all of them would be there. While I thought it was very important for the boys to be with their dad's family, I knew my heart would break once again. I would see pain in his mother's eyes, I would see the brother who looked just like him, I would watch as they all tried not to think about him and I knew it would hurt. I was right!
After the festivities were all over and the discarded ribbons and gift wrap all in the appropriate trash bins, the food sent home with various family members, cars packed, children bundled up, we all made our way to our respective homes.
As the boys slept, I drove blinded by tears, praying and begging God to help me arrive home safely. During the long drive, I asked Him what possible purpose He could have for a 34 year old widow, single mother of two. After all, by the time His own Son was my age, He had finished His job and HE got to go to Heaven. As I looked in my mirror at my sleeping sons, it occurred to me that someone would need to raise them. And so, (as if I really had the power to negotiate with the Heavenly Father), I agreed to stay until the boys were raised, until they were both out of high school, doing my best to raise them up in the Lord with the morals and values of Christian men. I promised to surround them with godly Christian men who would be their examples and who would help them grow into the kind of young men God would be proud of. And while I was doing this, I promised I would lead my family by example. I would try to teach them about mercy and benevolence. I would try to teach them about love and patience. I would try to teach them about focusing on the eternal. I promised God I would do these things IF only He would take me to heaven when I was finished. I figured I should stay until my youngest completed his first year of college. By then, both of them would be young adults, they would have developed their own support network, they would have formed their own lives and would be busy living them. I would be forty years old and very happily would I die in my sleep, to begin my new life in Heaven with Him, in heaven where there is no pain, no tears and no loneliness.
I laugh now as I look back on those plans, wondering if God just listened to me ramble on, smiling and shaking His head. He must have marveled at how I had let my pain cloud not only my vision but my common sense. How could I even begin to believe I was in control? I wonder if He smiled as He thought about the things He had planned for me? I wonder if He laughed out loud at my reasoning and my feeble dreams. I wonder if He thought about all the opportunities my future would hold, all the blessings He would give me, all the people He would put into my life? I wonder if He wished I would or could believe I was still a child of His, a child with a purpose? I wonder . . .
Now seven years past my deadline, I am amazed at how wonderful my life is! What a gift I have been given! I am awed by the blessings He showers on me daily. I thrill when I think of the Bible studies and new spiritual births He has allowed me to be a part of. I smile when I think of this man, this minister, who shares his life with me, how he loves me and leads me and desires my salvation more than anything. My heart is full when I think about my family, the six beautiful grandchildren and my friends, both those I know and those I only know through the internet. I am blessed so much more than I ever deserved--more than I'd ever hoped or even imagined. I am so grateful to have a Father who plans great things for me, because I had really planned on being dead by now!

Peace
Neva