Dancing in the Light

I John 1:7 "If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, cleanses us from all sin."

Location: North Platte, Nebraska, United States

I am a christian wife, mother and grandmother. I am a licensed Social worker and a licensed Christian counselor. I am most proud of the relationships I have with God, my family and friends all over the world. I have been blessed beyond my dreams.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

What I Learned From Divorce

No, I have not been divorced, nor am I planning to be (as if anyone does that). But, I have suffered the effects of divorce being on the children of divorced parents side, as well as the parents of divorced children side. And there are some things I have learned. First of all I learned, that divorce has a far reaching impact. While it is the death of a marriage between two people, it wounds and scars the entire family. Parents, children, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles all hurt for the loss of this union. I have also learned that not thinking about it doesn't make it go away. Avoiding painful thoughts only avoids the thoughts--not the pain! I've learned there is really no such thing as a "no-fault" divorce. And . . . deciding who is at fault is not my place. Over the past few years, I have discovered that a divorce in the family changes everything! Planning family get togethers becomes much more difficult. No more holidays together as a family, no more family pictures, no more sharing in each celebration. "Stopping by to see the kids" means making two stops and dividing your time between them. Worshipping together as a family becomes nothing more than a dream. Relationships change not just the obvious changes between the couple, but also between mothers and daughters, fathers in law and sons in law. The conversations become guarded and often painful. The same two people who laughed and visited before, both securely at home in their role, now struggle for words to say and avoid certain topics. Divorce does that! Then there is the analyzing and over analyzing of the situation, the futile search to understand just what happened. This seems to last forever and feels more than strange, it is painful. I've learned that the truth is hidden somewhere in all the pain and hurt and that perhaps no one but God really truly knows it.
No doubt divorce is a cruel teacher! The lessons she insists we learn cause us incredible pain and as we suffer through the syllabus, we come away with a knowledge we wish we'd never needed. And yet, we learn that time and faith heal, that the love of God the Father transcends the relationship caverns left by divorce. We come away knowing that He knows our pain and His heart bleeds with ours. And one day, we realize that the hurt, the hard feelings and the shame have all been replaced by love and that the past is no longer that embarrassing piece of toilet paper dragging around on the bottom of our shoe. We have moved on and while our relationships are different, they are still good. The feelings have changed just as everyone involved has changed. But God, He is still God and He has not changed. Once again, He has carried us through yet another storm and set us upright in a brand new day!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amazing how we learn from even the most painful of experiences, isn't it! This is a very touching post, Neva. Your growth through this painful process is evident. Praise God for His healing.


5:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a child of divorce, I can say that there is no "good" divorce. Even now, 30 years later, I still have to think how I will juggle the holidays without hurting someone's feelings. Or I worry that one of my children will mention one of my parents to the other one creating an awkward situation.

Divorce divides a child's life in two worlds in which they can never completely belong to either. Even my spirituality is probably a result of what was missing rather than an affirmation of what was present. The idea of God as a parent entices me, yet alienates me at the same time.

Divorce stinks! Just keep in contact with the grandbabies as often as possible and reassure them that your love for them will never change!

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Jarrod said...

Divorce is never good, it is true. But the God who can make salvation from something as distasteful as Calvary can work through a divorce and make the lives even better. I believe this.

Great post.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Kansas Bob said...

This is an understatement but very true:

"divorce has a far reaching impact"

So much damage has been done to families by divorce. I do wish that the Christian community would focus more on the sins that separate marriages than they would on other political hot issues.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Carlos said...

Divorce hurts to be sure, but there are some things worse than divorce. Amazingly, while you are going through one, nothing seems worse. However once you arrive on the other side, you can see that just like every other trial, God gets you through and blesses you in spite of. I get the feeling from your post that you have arrived safely on the other side.
Peace and grace

10:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am divorced and can personally vouch for everything you say here. My divorce wasn't as ugly as some but it was ugly nevertheless. The children are always in such an emotionally precarious position and in spite of the best efforts of myself and their mother, they most certainly will wear the scars of the choices we made.
I understand completely why God hates divorce.


3:54 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

Yep, just like the embarrassing peice of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. That is exactly how my life felt when my husband left me and yet God has placed a wonderful christian man who is never an embarrassment to me. God is so good and he takes care of his own.


12:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am also a child of divorce and my mother always tried to make holidays special and they were but we barely opened our preseents with her and my stepfather and then had to go be with dad and his wife. It was very confusing as a small child. The whole grandparent thing was pretty easy though because both of my parents made sure to keep friendly relationships with both sets of grandparents. So that part was great! But the rest of it, yeah, it pretty much sucked!
What I learned from divorce is don't do it.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Oh, Neva! When our loved ones divorce it can be even more painful than should it happen to us personally. How true, the ripple affect of divorce seems to have no end. Unless the parents are determined to have their kids grow up in close relationship with both parents, grandparents, extended family, it can be so messy.
I can imagine you trying to figure out a guest list for Thanksgiving if divorce has changed your relatives' marriages. I just pray someone close to the children is able to assure the kids that they don't have to like the situation, however, it's what it is and each parent still loves them dearly.

I pray your beloved ones that are going through this are sensitive to the ever extending ring of ripples throughout the formerly tight knit family. My heart's prayers continue for all of you!!!

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sad thing is divorce is often seen as an option right from the beginning. When I counsel a young couple before marriage, I stress over and over that divorce is NOT an option. When you go into marriage with an out already planned, it usually doesn't take much doing to take the out. When the option is off the table, it seems they fight longer and harder to save the marriage and when all else fails, then they sadly divorce. It is the last resort when it was never an option.

My wife and I both read your blog.You are a very good writer. We hope you continue to blog more often.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Liz Moore said...

I have watched 2 really good friends go through divorce. No one wins. Not even the person who thinks they are winning wins. But God has been there through it all. And He reigns victorious! Great post. Blessings!

2:19 PM  
Blogger One Observationist said...

Excellent post and very good thoughts. Divorce has brought my family to the brink of destruction. Everything you talked about could be applied to my family.

Your conclusion is the one thing that seems to make any sense at all. God loves us and cares about us.

Take care,

9:00 AM  
Blogger -bill said...

As I reflect on the many reasons I have for being thankful, I am definitely moved to give God thanks and praise for your light and life. May God’s richest blessings continue flow through you to enlighten and enrich the lives of others.

Love in the Lord,
Bill Williams

8:48 AM  
Blogger Candle (C & L) said...

Neva - Your sharing always causes me to take stock.

I with God's help have never personally experienced divorce. Neither Lindaor I saw divorce in our parents orgrandparents so as the saying goes we came from along "line of lovers". So far our children have stuck with their mates (oldest for 17 years) and we pray daily that this will continue.
However within our siblings we have seen the tragic effects of divorce especially for our nephews and nieces.

Thank you for sharing this - It causes me to ask if I have had my "head in the sand" and have ignored the realities of this "pain" in my life rather than prayerfully giving it to God to allow his healing.

God Bless
BTW - Sorry its been so long since I droppedby and I do thankyou for keeping Linda & I in your prayers - and I want you to know that you are (often) in mine.

6:46 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Ok, Neva - it's time! ;)

Keeping your family in my heart's prayers and you! It's been a month now. An update on your dad would be so welcome, as well as what is happening with you and yours.

I pray things are going well for you and that you'll have a moment to pop a note here very soon.

May your Christmastide be one filled with the warmth of God's love shining on you and yours!

In Him,


11:58 AM  

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