Retrospections, Resolutions and Reasons Why-

This is the time of year when many of us make statements of our hopes, dreams, promises and commitments for the coming year. As you can see by the date, I am late. I am however, still in the first month. sigh---

I don't typically make new year's resolutions but thought I might this year. Nothing special about this year---just seemed like a good idea. But before I decided what I might do differently this year, I had to think about what needed changed from last year. This was was tedious because there was so much---so many words I should or should not have said, so many deeds I should or should not have left undone, so many thoughts I wish I hadn't thought. The retrospection was so very good for me spiritually. It was a time of truthful, honest measuring. Not measuring my faith against the faith of others nor of measuring my faith by my deeds--but a time of putting my life, all of it, up against the standard by which my Creator calls me to live. The way HE wants me to be is not the way I am. I just don't measure up. He calls me to be merciful and I am cruel (but sometimes I call it humor). He calls me to forgive and I am bitter. He calls me to love and instead I judge. He calls me to be hopeful and yet I find myself the cynic. Why is it I cannot be what He calls me to be? Have I forgotten what price He paid for me? Am I lazy and just don't put forth the effort? Or am I proud and try to earn my salvation on my own?

Maybe I just don't know my own heart? I mean I think I want to do better, to be better, to live better but maybe my heart deceives itself. Maybe I don't want to change----I mean sometimes we don't we get into the habit of justification and stretching the truth and protecting ourselves, "marketing our image" so that we, even we, aren't sure? (now you know why the retrospection part of this took me so long--)

So this year--this is my whole year's resolution: I want to open my eyes and my heart--to see what HE would have me see so that I can be who HE would have me be.

Peace,

Neva